Has it already been another week?

It's amazing how difficult it is to post regularly when you've got a little one. I have composed all sorts of posts in my head, but when I get on the computer I usually just have time to work on the service project and try to concentrate on that rather than read or write blogs. Thankfully, I finished the bulk of the work on Wednesday.

La Dudarina has been sleeping rather soundly in my arms for over an hour. I wish I could predict those times when she is gearing up for a long nap, and those times when she's only going down for twenty minutes. She is so gosh darn beautiful.

But with most of the service project aside, I now need to focus my attention on writing a grant. I've got a draft from the fall that I can use to start, but I have to admit that I'm still terrified by grantwriting. I love my ideas, but still don't trust my ability to communicate them in a way that will make a committee want to fund me. Part of this is being a young woman and imagining the committee to be full of older, condescending men who would find my research unimportant because it's not on their sex.

So during naptimes and visits from my mom, this is how I'll be spending my time: getting over myself and writing a damn grant.

Shape of a mother

So I found the website I referenced in the previous post. I wanted to make sure to give it attention so rather than edit the previous post, it's getting its own.

Go check out The Shape of a Mother for pictures and stories of real moms, prenatal and postpartum. I actually found some of those stories a little depressing, but read the comments for a broader perspective (that is, some of the women are very hopeless about ever being thinner on the posts, but in the comments some women are more optimistic -- I'm not saying being thinner should be the goal, I'm just saying we all need better perspective and to feel as though we have more control over our lives and bodies).

I would also especially recommend reading Save Our Daughters. Reading the comments reminded me of every awful, seemingly-innocuous-to-the-adult comment about my body I had received as a young person, but again, it also helped me put it in perspective and realize that the blame for having internalized sexism doesn't fall on me.

Save Our Daughters is required reading for every adult who wants to be a good, loving ally to a young person, whether it's their own child, grandchild, niece or nephew, or just a friend. We need to realize that our words matter.

Postpartum fitness

Things with La Dudarina are so great right now. I love her awake time, I love her sleep time, I love when she feeds and I don't even mind changing her diapers. I'm not saying the whole experience is perfect or that I'm a blissful mom, but I am so forcefully, utterly in love that it's easy to remember it when things are hard.

The only thing that's been getting in the way? The last five pounds.

First, the whiny part: I gained twenty-nine pounds in this pregnancy, and lost all except the last four pounds in less than three weeks. Since then I've gone up to consistently five pounds over my starting weight. At four and a half weeks I started running, and since then have been running, walking, and doing pilates and yoga. I do something active almost every day. I even ran four and a half miles on Wednesday, and another three today. Even eating more than 2000 kcals a day, I should be losing weight, because I am also burning 400-600 kcals a day breastfeeding.

Also, the five pounds are between my shoulders and hips: my breasts are TWO cup sizes larger and I have a belly. My arms, legs, etc are muscular.

So I spend all this time feeling awful, because my physical fitness is almost as good as it was before I got pregnant and yet I feel like my body doesn't reflect my fitness. I find myself wanting to always be the one wearing La Dudarina when TD and I are out because I want to hide my breasts and belly.

The rational, feminist side of me knows how incredibly fucked up this is. I am completely falling for the stupidity of internalized sexism. It occupies a significant percentage of my brain, which makes it harder for me to appreciate La Dudarina, and I risk passing on this internalized oppression when I complain to TD all the time about how fat I am.

I know the reality: I am not fat. I am seven weeks postpartum and I go running three times a week. I am kickass. I should be furious at the society that makes me feel like there is anything wrong with this body that I have right now. I should love my little belly for taking such good care of La Dudarina in utero, and love my big breasts for feeding her now. I should show off this body shape, I should submit a photo to that website of new mom body pics, I should be realistic. But the internalized sexism hooked in with my feelings about physical fitness and my identity as an athlete, and so these five pounds sting, no matter how rational I try to be.

I am writing this out not so that I'll get comments telling me how awesome I am, but because I think it's important for folks to see the reality of what women are up against when they have kids. It is really hard to not be pregnant any more but to feel like you don't have an "excuse" for your size. It is really hard to eat well and exercise frequently when you are caring for a little one. And it just takes a long time for the breast size to go down and for the skin to shrink enough, EVEN IF you're back to your original weight. This is another place where moms need support and attention and the good thinking of the allies around them. Not commiserating, not some hopeless comment that "you'll never have the body you had," just support and attention where you give the mom a chance, not to feel bad about herself, but to redirect those feelings towards an irrational society that instilled her with such ridiculous expectations about how her body would recover postpartum and what this means about her worth, willpower, or beauty.

I need to remember not to feel bad, but to get angry. Putting these feelings on myself is useless; getting angry at least gets the feelings off me.

And don't let the door hit you on the way out

This week I received two emails reminding me I was leaving my job and telling me certain things I needed to do (give them contact info, clear out my desk, etc) and went to an end of the year party. I also found out that a HUGE number of people are leaving, more than I expected and people I didn't expect to leave. The end of year party explicitly disinvited spouses and children -- I had to ask for special permission to bring La Dudarina along, and it was granted because she is a "nursing infant."

What was nice was that I actually had a decent time at the end of year party. I showed off La Dudarina, smiled my way through the afternoon and headed home before any toasting began. I saw a few folks I truly care for and I'm glad I got to connect with them before the summer begins, so that it will be easier to contact them and hang out before we move.

I am going to really miss some of my colleagues. I am going to really miss some of my students. I am going to miss my nice office with a nice window, even though it was shared, and my first semester, when I had a cool boss. I am going to miss the cool coffee machine.

That's it.

Finally cooking again

After being fed by our families for the first few weeks, we've finally gotten back to cooking here again. Granted, it's usually simple fare -- sandwiches, salads, mac and cheese, chicken -- but it does the trick.

Last weekend Lizzie came by so we decided to cook something a little more interesting. Last week, Antonia of Top Chef made a "rice salad" in the quickfire challenge. They didn't walk the viewers through the recipe, but it seemed like a good idea, and one that stuck with me. I was pretty sure it was just warm rice mixed with a green salad. Add a protein and you have a complete meal.

A few years ago I made a spinach salad tossed with warm roasted butternut squash cubes, so I thought putting these two ideas together could work. Add a flank steak, Lizzie's excellent idea of a dijon vinaigrette, and you've got a meal.

I also adapted a recipe from Annalise Roberts Gluten-Free Baking Classics for chocolate ricotta muffins. Idealized versions of the recipes are below (that is, I didn't make them exactly as described below, but this is how I would slightly modify them -- the biggest issue is that the rice really needs to be seasoned before being added to the salad).

Rice Salad with Flank Steak - Gluten and Dairy Free! Serves 3-4.

You will need:

• 1 cup of brown rice
  
• 1.25 lbs flank steak (or protein of your choice)
  
• 4+ cups fresh baby spinach
  
• 2 cups butternut squash, small dice
  
• 1.5 cups fresh peas
  
• Half of an onion, small dice
  
• Fresh rosemary
  
• Dijon vinaigrette (recipe included)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 400F.
   
2. Make the vinaigrette. Basically combine olive oil, seasoned rice vinegar, lemon juice, dijon mustard, honey, salt and pepper in quantities to your liking. You want at least a cup of liquid so you can use some to marinate the protein, and a good third of a cup left over to add to the salad.
   
3. Cook the rice according to package directions -- I'd suggest adding a little olive oil and salt.
   
4. Marinate the flank steak in dijon vinaigrette.
   
5. Roast the butternut squash in the oven with a little olive oil, salt and pepper. It should take 20-30 minutes to get them soft and a little brown.
   
6. Steam the peas to desired consistency (7 minutes or so).
   
7. Saute the onion in a little oil or Earth Balance. Add the rosemary towards the end so it warms and becomes aromatic, but doesn't really cook. Add to the rice once it's cooked. Taste and add salt if needed (this is the step we didn't do, but I think would help the rice tremendously).
   
8. Throw the steak on the grill.
   
9. Once the steak is resting, combine the components of the salad (don't do it too early or the spinach will wilt). This would be the spinach, peas, squash, and rice/onion mix. Add the dressing, and toss.
   
10. Serve to all your friends, gluten tolerant and intolerant alike.

Citrus ricotta muffins

• 1.25 brown rice flour mix (from Annalise Roberts - but you could substitute another GF flour mix if you're willing to experiment)
  
• 0.25 cup GF oat flour (or just add another quarter cup of the brown rice flour mix - I just used the oat flour to up the nutritional content)
  
• 2 T ground flax seed
  
• 0.5 cup sugar
  
• 1.5 t baking powder
  
• 0.5 t baking soda
  
• 0.25 t xanthan gum (optional)
  
• 0.25 t salt
  
• Grated rind from one lemon
  
• Grated rind from one orange
  
• 1 large egg
  
• 0.5 cup part skim ricotta cheese
  
• 0.66 cup skim milk
  
• 2 T canola oil
  
• 0.5 t lemon extract

1. Preheat oven to 350F. Prepare muffin cups (spray with cooking spray or add muffin tins).
   
2. Combine dry ingredients (first 8) in large bowl until well blended. Add grated rind from lemon and orange. Set aside.
   
3. Combine wet ingredients in small bowl until well blended. Add to dry mixture and mix just until combined. Spoon batter into muffin cups. Bake for 18 minutes.
   
4. Enjoy immediately! Or, allow to totally cool and put in an airtight container.

Makes your heart melt

Damn, I love this baby.

Is this a mom thing?

I forgot to rinse out my conditioner this morning. I had a feeling I forgot as I stepped out of the shower but decided it wasn't worth it to turn the water back on... then when I went to finish drying my hair after it had air dried for a while I realized, oh yes, I forgot to rinse out the conditioner. TD swears he can't see a difference, but I can. My hair looks oily.

Oh well.

Buying a house

So we bought a house, in exactly the neighborhood we wanted less than a mile from campus, for less than we thought we would have to pay. I have no idea how we got so lucky. But I do think there were a few things we did right that gave us a hand.

First, all of our procrastination time this winter was channeled towards searching realtor.com, which gave us a sense of neighborhoods, pricing, and houses we really liked. TD also fell in love with HGTV and we ended up learning a lot about what makes a house valuable, the cost of remodels, etc. Our first attempt at homebuying also taught us that we didn't want to settle for a house with a lot of problems and unpleasant sellers in our second favorite neighborhood. I had been growing uncomfortable about that and other homes we had been looking at because, from an environmental perspective I was having trouble justifying homes that had an eat-in kitchen AND dining room, a living room AND family room, a finished basement AND a den. That's a lot of house to heat and cool, a lot of materials that need to go into making furniture, a lot more money to spend on shit.

So we started looking at smaller homes.

What a difference! Suddenly there were a lot more options and a much smaller price tag. We liked the 1500 sq ft homes far better than the 2000+ homes, because they all had personality, and the rooms had functionality. We also could renovate or remodel in ways that we liked, rather than having to live with the strange or shoddy remodels of previous owners.

The place we put an offer on was the fourth house we looked at in MRT. We had looked at it online and already knew it would probably be our favorite, but were so impressed when we saw it in person! It has an airy, lovely kitchen and dining area, and the rest of the rooms are small without feeling tiny. The back yard is very small, but we're a block and a half from a nice park. And we're on a great street -- quiet, safe, very little traffic, close to the gym and campus, close to day care, and very close to several of our colleagues.

Of course, the other trick to getting the house you want is not haggling. This house was on the market for below what we think it was worth, and below what we were willing to pay. So we just offered asking price rather than trying to haggle our way down at all. Reasonable sellers beget reasonable buyers, unlike our previous attempt where the house was way overpriced and they wouldn't negotiate (that house has had no other offers and is still on the market, by the way).

So we're doing a lot at once -- having a baby, getting new jobs and moving, buying a house -- but so far it hasn't felt overwhelming. It's funny, because I think one of the two reasons it's felt manageable is seemingly counterintuitive: the babywearing and cosleeping. Because La Dudarina is always with us, she feels safer and sleeps more, so really it's almost like not having her there... if it weren't for her ever-increasing weight in the sling (and I mean that in a good way; obviously I love having my daughter around)! TD and I are getting adequate sleep now because La Dudarina only wakes to nurse and falls right back to sleep again, nestled happily between us.

The second thing that has been helping has been the fact that TD and I co-parent, and get plenty of alloparenting along the way as well (for instance, TD is working in the dining room rather than at work today, and my mom is around this afternoon, which is the only reason I'm able to blog right now). If we weren't in this together, and didn't have help, we would become unhinged pretty quickly.

The little one is due for a change so I'm going to go, but my next post in the coming days will likely be about academic work.

La Dudarina says Happy Earth Day!

It only gets better

I have to say, for the most part I am really pleased with the whole mom thing. La Dudarina is lovely and fun, and I love breastfeeding and napping. I've started doing light workouts (a postpartum pilates DVD, walks every day, and I even went for a short run Sunday) and La Dudarina is beginning to have a bit of a schedule so I can get academic work and housework done from time to time. I've spent hours today updating my computer, buying some stuff online that had to get bought (more Kushies diaper liners, a new set of dryer balls from Gaiam, etc), and we're about to go for a walk to Trader Joe's.

I've even managed to give a talk at a conference in Random City, visit Midwestern Research Town and have a few meetings with colleagues, find part-time childcare for the fall... and we bought a house (!!!). My plan for the rest of the spring is to try to get two collaborations underway, write a grant (I already have a draft) and ideally write at least a draft of a paper.

Making parenting choices, building allies

I'm going to try and write some short posts over the next few weeks to share some thinking about how things are going with La Dudarina. If I get a chance, I'll also say a bit about how it's going in the context of my academic work (I'm going to a conference tomorrow, giving a talk Friday).

Today I want to talk about what it means to make decisions as a parent, and what it means to have allies.

1. Making decisions

There is this belief that I run the show which is really unfair to TD and his ability to think well. There is also a general belief that the choices we are making are weird. Both of these issues create distance between us and our families (particularly TD's family), because rather than learning more and figuring out how to support us (or, I don't know, just trusting that we're not morons?), they test us and force us to justify our reasoning.

The main place where this has been hard has been around La Dudarina and crying. I do not subscribe to either of what appear to be the main theories around babies and crying -- the first that they should 'cry it out' and the second that they should be soothed and 'shushed' into submission. To me, both imply to the baby that what s/he is trying to work through or communicate is not worth hearing. Of course, this is never what parents intend, but this is my thinking about the baby's side of things. I think listening to a crying baby is incredibly difficult because one of the aforementioned methods was surely used on us, and chances are good no one let us roar as loudly as we wanted with loving attention because they were scared of looking like bad parents, upsetting the neighbors, or were just stressed by the sound.

To the best of my and TD's ability, we do not try and stop La Dudarina from crying when she wants to. First we check to see if there is anything she needs -- is she warm enough? changed recently? hungry? -- and if she's fine, we hold her in our arms, lovingly tell her we are listening, and let her cry. If you think about it, this is how we tend to treat adults when they cry -- it is always better to let them get it out with a good cry on your shoulder than be quieted. This means we never leave her alone when she's crying, and we don't try to make her stop. We just tell her we are listening, we tell her we're here and she is safe, and we let her do her thing while we hold her close and love her. Lately I've taken to explaining things to her -- yes you just had a bath and you felt cold afterwards and that was scary, but now you are wrapped up and warm and I am holding you tight and it's all over. If you want to cry, you can, but know that right now you are okay. Often La Dudarina watches me while I talk, then cries for another 30-60 seconds, then either breastfeeds or goes to sleep.

When she's having a wakeful, fussy period is when this is hardest (the middle of the night isn't so hot either). But I really believe that giving her attention and teaching her that her voice is worth listening to is more valuable than just about anything, and this is the way I have decided to try and communicate this to her.

That said, these are decisions TD and I have made. I honestly don't feel that we should enforce our parenting decisions on other parents or other kids. In fact, the whole point I'm trying to make is that people who want to be allies to parents need to respect the kind of parenting they have chosen to do. The only way to help parents make good decisions is to support them and show them you trust their thinking.

So when I explain to folks that we don't want La Dudarina shushed and I get an indignant "why?" or I get a condescending roll of the eyes "oh, right, you're not doing the shushing thing," I get a little upset. If you have a problem with the way a person parents (and this is not under conditions where you believe you are seeing abuse), you need to evaluate why you have this problem (are you jealous because you didn't get this parenting? angry because it doesn't seem good for the kid?) and you need to support the parent. If you determine that what the parent is doing is not optimal, you will not change the parent's behavior by telling them what to do or challenging them on their thinking (no matter how benignly you think you're bringing it up, a parent always knows when s/he is being questioned or isn't trusted). You will only help them by supporting their thinking and building a relationship with them.

2. Being an ally to parents

So what does it look like to be a good ally to parents? There are two components. The first is to trust their thinking and support and love them. It means not acting worried, not doubting how they are handling things, not trying to slip in unsolicited advice. Being an ally means loving that parent fully, no matter what, and deciding to back their decisions.

The second component is helping the parent do their best possible parenting. When La Dudarina was first born, everyone wanted to come over to hold her and love her. No one asked TD and I how we were doing, no one helped us with the overwhelming tasks of keeping the house clean. We were brought lots of food, and our baby was held by other people for hours when we were too tired to object. It wasn't until I got mastitis and a fever of 105 and was unable to get out of bed that our allies suddenly realized they had gotten it backwards: our having this baby wasn't to amuse them or give them someone cute to hold. Their job wasn't to come over and hold the baby when it was sleeping, which meant TD and I couldn't take naps during her sleep times because we had to entertain. Their job was to support us, help us clean the house, make sure we were getting enough rest, so that we could be the best possible parents to La Dudarina.

Once the realization hit, our family/allies have really figured out this second piece well. I have had help every day since TD went back to work (he went in starting last Friday), my mom has cleaned our bathroom and helped with laundry and my MIL did some vacuuming, and because of my mom and MIL I managed to write my talk for Friday. We're finally getting out from under the overwhelming cycle of feed/change/sleep that is now our lives. I can make myself breakfast and lunch, I can run some laundry, I can write this blog post, and because I have that space I can come back to La Dudarina even more loving than before. This kind of ally work is crucial and I am very grateful to my family.

I'm not sure how coherent this post is, as I feel pretty rusty. But I hope it is clear that allies need to put their feelings and mistrust of parents' decisions aside and just support the parents. Ultimately, that is what is best for the baby and how any ally will guarantee a good relationship with that baby for life.

Not dead

I'm not dead, just on an unintentional maternity leave from blogging. Don't worry, I'll tell you all about the joys of mastitis and cracked nipples when I return! (No, breastfeeding isn't all bad, I just hit a rough patch and am now doing great. I am a lactation MACHINE.)

Oh, and La Dudarina rocks.